Posts Tagged ‘suicide’

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Some of you may have read this before and agreed with it or disagreed with it.
The highlighted area is what bothers me.

If we believe we have a disease, that there is no cure, that we can’t beat it and that we will always struggle with it, then we will never get better.
God gave us the ability to conquer anything. How do we do that? We surrender to Him daily. We remain humble and admit we have a serious problem that is not only an addiction but something deeper that we need to fix.
I refuse to accept that addiction is a disease. We are able to overcome, we are able to succeed and we are able to let go.
This is why I named this site Become Free. I was an addict for over 10 years. I struggled with heroin, opiates, cocaine, benzo’s, anti depressants and God only knows what else.
My daily intake was over 1000 mg’s of OxyContin a day. I got to the point of suicide and absolute complete depression.

Then one day I gave my life to Jesus Christ and I haven’t been the same since. It took time and perseverance. It took rehab and wonderful people in rehab to help me. Over time I became free from my bondage and my slavery to drugs. I had a renewal of my mind, I gained my self control back and I am a new creation.
In order to believe I have a purpose I must believe I was created. As a book glorifies an author, as a painting glorifies an artist, so are we to glorify God.
And you know what is awesome, I’m not alone. There are so many that are living the same way. Freed from addiction.
You have to want it as bad as you wanted your poison.

I didn’t learn to deal with my addiction, I learned that I was in need of a Savior. I learned that I was created by an Almighty God that loves me no matter what I do. I learned that giving up MY ways and living according to His Word, I am set free!!!!!

Listen, God is either real or He’s a fantasy. You either have a purpose or you do not.

You have a choice to believe it or not and that choice is going to determine your lifestyle.

Become Free, Become the Difference.

holding-hands1

How selfish have I become. Who am I to take control of my own life? Wanting to end it because I couldn’t hack it. Wanting to end it because I had no other alternative. I had no purpose. I had not one ounce of hope left or even a reason to say the word.

Who am I to make this final conclusion, this determining judgment? Like taking my life would have somehow cosmically balanced the world as I knew it. Well I had so many reasons to do it. So many. I was in pain. I was hurt. Every breath was painful. My eyes felt heavy and it hurt to look, it hurt to see. I blamed many people for the way my life turned out.

Just trying to make sense of it all, what ever reason sounded right in my mind. What ever made sense. I needed a solid foundation to jump off of. An underlining agreement. A grasp on why, and the way I was going to do this. I know, it makes no sense, but that’s all I needed. It wouldn’t take much for me to go over the edge once I was there. All I needed was the courage to finalize the deal. But I had none. I didn’t even have enough courage to talk to anyone. I didn’t have enough courage to make ANY important decisions. I had no courage at all. I had no faith, no hope and no sense of self worth.

I lost control so I thought giving up was the next step. I was nearing the end of my addiction. I had been abusing opiates like it was my profession and I was working overtime trying to make the boss happy. I was the boss. I was self employed and I was stock sharing and profiting off my own redundant gains. I was a reckless, self indulging machine heading for disaster. I was a fast moving mechanical device which was out of grease; heating up and ready to explode.

This is what my life came to. I abused it and now I wanted to lose it. I had been clean for a couple weeks, many times, but the thought of being alive was still dreadful. I was depressed beyond the definition of depressed. I was oppressed and addiction was my oppressor. I didn’t get it though. I didn’t know why I was so suicidally depressed.

I had thoughts racing of different ways to terminate life as humane as possible. How people… family… friends would have judged me and how the rumors would have spread if they found me a certain way. I would drive and stare off into an abyss of ways to end my useless life. I went through so many different mini episodes of death like looking through a Rolodex. Trying to find the right one. The series finale of a stupid show which was down to its last rerun. I was done.

I would sometimes get a little boost of hope through a song on the radio or my ipod. I would relate my life to the lyrics. I would substitute my depression with music because I wasn’t at peace and music seemed to free me a little bit. My anger was filtered through songs. I would use the music and relate a scenario to it and try to sooth the effects of my past. It felt good too.

I was in search of something… anything. I had a huge void in my life that needed to be filled real quick. Wishing someone would fill it for me. Hoping someone would sweep me off my feet and carry me through this. But as time went on, I realized that wasn’t going to happen.

I realized that the drug abuse, this slow death, was artificially filling a void in my life. Some of us cut. Some of us drink. Some of us over eat. What ever it is that we do, we do it because we are trying to satisfy a hunger.

We were designed to follow and love our Maker. It’s in our DNA. We were constructed and fashioned to worship a Holy and Living God. We also have evolved into believing that there are other alternatives. But I tell you, God is real, He IS listening and He does love you and wants you in His arms! If you are struggling with the thoughts of suicide, I beg of you to constantly call upon Jesus Christ. This is between you and Him. I will leave it at that.

It is written: “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13.


You have a purpose! Become Free! Become the Difference!

sick and tired

If you are a full blown addict, you know there are days where all the lying, cheating and stealing has caught up to you.

Nobody trusts you, nobody wants to be around you and nobody cares. You have exhausted all your resources for scheming money and you’re broke as a joke. Withdrawals and depression are setting in and there are thoughts racing through your head; robbing stores, stealing money, your mind is coming up with crazy ideas to make itself feel good. There is nothing you can do so you sit on a couch or lay in bed all day.
You’re starving but you can’t eat, you have to piss so you lean over and piss into a Gatorade bottle. You’re stomach is making noises and shivers set in. The only time you get up is to release diarrhea out your rear end every half hour. Your legs start moving in a bicycle pattern; trying to get comfortable. Hot and cold sweats arrive, heart palpitations, cramps, insomnia, racing thoughts and nightmares from 10 minutes of so called sleep. Hygiene is out the door.

You are so fatigued, walking even seems to be too much. That Suboxone you had saved for today is gone. Why you thought one little corner of a Suboxone would make your life better is a mystery. You make a frantic phone call to your drug dealer to get anything to make you feel better and he’s not answering, you pissed him off too. You know you’re screwed. There’s nothing you can do. Now it’s time to think of ways to die.

Suicide sounds like a very good alternative at this point. But as quick as you think of it you realize you can’t do it.

People, here is a new definition of being Sick and Tired. What is explained above is a tiny bit of what a drug addict goes through. Why do we put ourselves through this? Ask me now, I can’t give you an answer… ask me then, I would have had plenty of answers!

Believe it or not, these times where we get sick are probably the best times where God is most likely shouting at us… “HEY, WAKE UP, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THIS!”

Although it’s depressing and we feel like we’re dying, it’s the lowest we can go, the only way from here is up. Yes, it may be the 700th time you have stopped cold turkey but you know deep down inside you can’t keep doing this. “Why do I do this to myself?” “Why can’t I stop?” “Oh my God, I have a serious problem don’t I.”

Listen, there are places, especially today, everywhere, that offer help. Rehab is a great place to get away, take a vacation and get better; think of it as a spiritual retreat. Because that’s exactly what you will be doing, figuring out why it is you do what you do, why you turned to drugs and why you destroyed your life.

Once you get some clean time under your belt, you start seeing more clearly. The obvious is revealed. Happiness slowly becomes a daily feeling. Bridges are mending. Family starts trusting. Money is getting saved. You start filling your gas tank instead of just putting a few bucks in just to get from one hustle to the other. You don’t wake up in the fetal position, sweating and freaking out anymore. Life is good.

It’s a daily walk. You do a devotion every day. You pray. You pray for yourself. You pray for others. You want to help others with what you have learned and the experiences you have gone through. You go to church. You fellowship with other people with this common bond of addiction. You have clean time and you are stronger than ever!

And you realize it’s not you. It’s God. It’s ALL HIM. That daily reprieve, that daily surrender, that daily prayer is what is keeping you from using again and keeping you from not wanting to live a life of being sick and tired all the time.

One thing I have noticed along my journey, even today, is everyone who is living a clean life and continues living a clean life from their drug abused past, in one way or another, has God first in their life.
Be grateful. Be humble and remain teachable!