Posts Tagged ‘Mental Health’

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How selfish have I become. Who am I to take control of my own life? Wanting to end it because I couldn’t hack it. Wanting to end it because I had no other alternative. I had no purpose. I had not one ounce of hope left or even a reason to say the word.

Who am I to make this final conclusion, this determining judgment? Like taking my life would have somehow cosmically balanced the world as I knew it. Well I had so many reasons to do it. So many. I was in pain. I was hurt. Every breath was painful. My eyes felt heavy and it hurt to look, it hurt to see. I blamed many people for the way my life turned out.

Just trying to make sense of it all, what ever reason sounded right in my mind. What ever made sense. I needed a solid foundation to jump off of. An underlining agreement. A grasp on why, and the way I was going to do this. I know, it makes no sense, but that’s all I needed. It wouldn’t take much for me to go over the edge once I was there. All I needed was the courage to finalize the deal. But I had none. I didn’t even have enough courage to talk to anyone. I didn’t have enough courage to make ANY important decisions. I had no courage at all. I had no faith, no hope and no sense of self worth.

I lost control so I thought giving up was the next step. I was nearing the end of my addiction. I had been abusing opiates like it was my profession and I was working overtime trying to make the boss happy. I was the boss. I was self employed and I was stock sharing and profiting off my own redundant gains. I was a reckless, self indulging machine heading for disaster. I was a fast moving mechanical device which was out of grease; heating up and ready to explode.

This is what my life came to. I abused it and now I wanted to lose it. I had been clean for a couple weeks, many times, but the thought of being alive was still dreadful. I was depressed beyond the definition of depressed. I was oppressed and addiction was my oppressor. I didn’t get it though. I didn’t know why I was so suicidally depressed.

I had thoughts racing of different ways to terminate life as humane as possible. How people… family… friends would have judged me and how the rumors would have spread if they found me a certain way. I would drive and stare off into an abyss of ways to end my useless life. I went through so many different mini episodes of death like looking through a Rolodex. Trying to find the right one. The series finale of a stupid show which was down to its last rerun. I was done.

I would sometimes get a little boost of hope through a song on the radio or my ipod. I would relate my life to the lyrics. I would substitute my depression with music because I wasn’t at peace and music seemed to free me a little bit. My anger was filtered through songs. I would use the music and relate a scenario to it and try to sooth the effects of my past. It felt good too.

I was in search of something… anything. I had a huge void in my life that needed to be filled real quick. Wishing someone would fill it for me. Hoping someone would sweep me off my feet and carry me through this. But as time went on, I realized that wasn’t going to happen.

I realized that the drug abuse, this slow death, was artificially filling a void in my life. Some of us cut. Some of us drink. Some of us over eat. What ever it is that we do, we do it because we are trying to satisfy a hunger.

We were designed to follow and love our Maker. It’s in our DNA. We were constructed and fashioned to worship a Holy and Living God. We also have evolved into believing that there are other alternatives. But I tell you, God is real, He IS listening and He does love you and wants you in His arms! If you are struggling with the thoughts of suicide, I beg of you to constantly call upon Jesus Christ. This is between you and Him. I will leave it at that.

It is written: “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13.


You have a purpose! Become Free! Become the Difference!

Drug use isn’t becoming an epidemic, it IS an epidemic.

It seems like people are trying to solve every one of their problems with a pill.  Every other commercial on TV seems to offer a pill for every problem we can possibly come up with.  Anyone can simply go to the doctor and complain about anxiety and get a prescription.  I guess now a days, one can actually claim a social anxiety issue and become disabled and start collecting from the government!

What happened to learning and growing?  What happened to persevering through tough times and becoming stronger from them?  Why are we giving up so easily?  Are we setting a good example for the next generation?  Hey!  Feel like crap?  Take a pill?!!!  As a matter of fact, take these for the rest of your life!   Become a zombie!

Our bodies were not designed for this.  We need to be strong, learn from our troubles and move forward.  We need to grow together.  Hold each other accountable.  You got questions, ASK!  This generation is learning to give up too easy and resort to chemicals that stimulate our minds, our souls and our lives.  Drugs destroy, take hold of your life today!