Posts Tagged ‘Hope’

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Some of you may have read this before and agreed with it or disagreed with it.
The highlighted area is what bothers me.

If we believe we have a disease, that there is no cure, that we can’t beat it and that we will always struggle with it, then we will never get better.
God gave us the ability to conquer anything. How do we do that? We surrender to Him daily. We remain humble and admit we have a serious problem that is not only an addiction but something deeper that we need to fix.
I refuse to accept that addiction is a disease. We are able to overcome, we are able to succeed and we are able to let go.
This is why I named this site Become Free. I was an addict for over 10 years. I struggled with heroin, opiates, cocaine, benzo’s, anti depressants and God only knows what else.
My daily intake was over 1000 mg’s of OxyContin a day. I got to the point of suicide and absolute complete depression.

Then one day I gave my life to Jesus Christ and I haven’t been the same since. It took time and perseverance. It took rehab and wonderful people in rehab to help me. Over time I became free from my bondage and my slavery to drugs. I had a renewal of my mind, I gained my self control back and I am a new creation.
In order to believe I have a purpose I must believe I was created. As a book glorifies an author, as a painting glorifies an artist, so are we to glorify God.
And you know what is awesome, I’m not alone. There are so many that are living the same way. Freed from addiction.
You have to want it as bad as you wanted your poison.

I didn’t learn to deal with my addiction, I learned that I was in need of a Savior. I learned that I was created by an Almighty God that loves me no matter what I do. I learned that giving up MY ways and living according to His Word, I am set free!!!!!

Listen, God is either real or He’s a fantasy. You either have a purpose or you do not.

You have a choice to believe it or not and that choice is going to determine your lifestyle.

Become Free, Become the Difference.

Some of us will be doing the same old thing, some of us will be making changes, some of us will be continuing on the road toward a brighter future.
What ever path you are on be Humble, remain Teachable and stay Grateful.
Thank God for all things.
Be Strong, Be Courageous.
Always look back and see how you are doing. Make adjustments, make improvements, better yourself and become an example for others to follow.
Life comes at us hard sometimes but we have people placed in our lives to help us get through just about anything!
Most of all we have a God who we can call upon when we are down, a God to praise when we are grateful and a God to thank when we succeed.
Persevere, keep your head up, be confident, renew your mind and walk with your chin up knowing that your strength comes not from you but through our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, the One who died for us, the One who has your back no matter what.
He will never leave you nor forsake you.
Be full of Faith, be full of Hope.
Walk not just believing, walk knowing.
Love blindly.
Love.
Become the Difference.
Happy New Year and may God Bless you beyond your wildest dreams!

You want it? Go get it!

I think getting clean, getting rid of all those mind altering medications, getting your life back as God intended is a goal right?

God gave us the strength to conquer. To destroy goals and accomplish anything!

He tells us to be Strong and be Courageous.

We make plans He establishes our steps!

Persevere! Take charge!

You get up to get food right? Well get up and get your dreams!  Chase them, grab them and don’t let go!

The strength is in you, believe it, believe in yourself and give God all the glory, thank Him every step of the way!

Nothing is going to happen if you do nothing… Take Action!

Keep the Faith, Love each other, stay Strong, Keep Your Head Up!

No one is going to do it for you… Surround yourself with productive, positive, strong willed believers!

Keep moving forward!

Become Free! Become the Difference! ;D

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My journey starts way before drugs came into the picture. I was raised in a small suburb of Boston by the name of Chelsea, which was once a rich Jewish communtiy that was over ran by drugs, poverty, and crime. I started my journey with goal, aspirations and dreams but soon realized I didnt feel like I fit in and began to change myself into this persona that was widely accepted by the youth of my community. My Christian upbringing now took a back seat to my “Newly created” person.

At first it felt real good because I began to become accepted by people and didnt have any serious consequences. But as my false character grew this persona engulfed me and I became this “Person” and lost myself, God, and family for a very long time. After a very few years of living this life, drugs now came into the picture. At 15 years of age I was now dealing drugs, sniffing cocaine, taking klonopins, smoking weed and drinking. I walked around like I was a drug king pin and honestly at that time my dream turned to becoming this. Fair to say that never happened, I let the drugs control me to point where I landed in a pysch unit in Belmont, MA for cutting my own face with a blade from a broken razor. I spent roughly around a month and somewhat found a little piece of myself but didnt accept that I was an ADDICT.

After returning back to chelsea I put down the heavy drugs but still lived dirty. I sold and smoked weed, and stayed this way for a few years thinking I found a solution. It wasnt until I had a real shot to the heart, that shocked me out of control once again. My brother in law/Best friend died while drinking and driving. God spared me that night because on any given day we were together. We lived together, worked together, rolled together, that was my ace. That night something stopped me from going. After a long grueling process of pulling the plug and saying goodbyes, I buried my brother and a piece of me with him. I would cry alone and away from people so I wouldn’t show any weakness in my character.

Oxycontin now came into the picture and to bury my pain I used and sold excessively. My whole life became OC’s, I needed them for every aspect of my life. They allowed me to NOT FEEL!! ESCAPE!!

The oxycontin boom to me I thought was a gift from God because I felt good, a doctor made it, and I could nod my pain away. I never considered myself an addict, just a person enjoying life. I felt like I desereved this escape. Soon after though, OC’s led to crime and this led to heroin. I never thought I would be a heroin addict, but somehow I rationlized it to that, I wasn’t that bad I only snort. This person I created was so deep into me I couldnt face myself in the mirror.

Heroin ran my life, I stole from everyone and anyone. I didnt care about anyone or anything. I wanted what you had and I would do whatever I had to do to get it.

Through my toils of being a heroin addict, I had a beautiful baby girl named Gianna. I thought that because of her I would change my life, but I merely lied to the mother of my daughter and continued my heroin use in secret. Soon enough my drug use and decietful ways led to the break up of my daughters mother and I and my heroin use spiraled so far, I began using needles. I found myself exiled from my family, homeless, sleeping down Chelsea High Stadium and content because I had dope in my veins.

Around the time of my daughters birth my father had passed away. He also suffered from the disease of addiction. I was so far into my own addiction that it seems like I was absent during the whole grieving period. I wasnt there for my younger brother, my sister, or my mom. My life was consumed by money and drugs; I had no room for anything else. A year after my fathers passing, I attempted on getting clean by the methodone clinic. It got me off of heroin for a little but opened up an area for other drugs.

During my stint on the methodone clinic, I had the most tragic experience of my life. A week before my younger brothers 18th birthday, my brother and I woke up early one morning to find our mother lifeless on the couch. She had passed away around 5 am that morning due to heart failure. I stared into my brothers eyes as he begged me to do something and was crying frantically so I proceeded to due cpr although I could tell she had already passed on. This feeling inside me was a monster, it was overwhelming and I didnt know how to deal with it.

I put a front on to attempt to be the rock in my family but without God my foundation was on sand and just crumbled. I built a resentment towards God and proceeded to using Heroin extensively to the point of overdosing 3 times and homeless numerous times.

These behaviors finally landed me in my very first attempt of getting clean. I had no where to go, no money and was so dope sick that suicide seemed like my only option. I went to the old tewksbury detox, a post detox in Weymouth which finally landed me at The Salvation Army, Saugus, MA. My life began to turn around and I began to accept Jesus. I say it like this because at this point I didnt want to fully accept Christ, I still wanted to do things my way. After four months of wishy washy recovery I was discharged due to the use of Nuerotin/Johnnies because I listened to my addiction and because they were NON-NARCOTIC it was ok. This behavior led me to living in a rooming house known as the Hotel Stanely in Chelsea, working just for my heroin addiction and rent. This cycle continued for 2 years until it cost me my job and eventually my living situation.

They say God works in mysterious ways and that is so true. During my run, I was down Chelsea Square and I seen the Major from The Salvation Army Saugus and he spoke to me and said he was willing to accept me back into the program. Just the fact that he remembered me out of all the addicts that pass through there was a sign to me. It gave me hope. My run continued for a few more weeks but that moment with the Major never left my mind. One night I just prayed my heart out asking God for help, and that I was so tired of just existing in this numb life I had created. The next day things began to turn around. I got a bed in detox and was readmitted to the Salvation Army program in Saugus.

This time around I surrounded myself with positive people, asked for help and opened my entire heart to Jesus Christ. I began to peel my layers off and tell my story at meetings, I’d pray every day and night asking God for guidance and thank him when I made it through. I had counseling for addiction but I also had a spiritual counselor, who to this day I’m very good friends with and I believe she really is an Angel. For once in my life I was knocking my barriers with God and dealing with emotions I buried for so long.

I am now 18 months clean, I have a sponsor, I surround myself with positive sober people, I go to meetings and continue to ask for help because some days are harder than others. The biggest thing for me is helping another addict and never forgetting where I was. Today I can say I make my mother proud!!! And I can help others by being an example. If I can do it, anyone can, you just have to put the work in…

Paul S MacDonald

“Who says a kid from the ghetto can’t change his stripes”

RIP Mom, Dad, my brother Quentin, Christina S., Russell B., My cousin Todd C., and all those that have lost their life to this disease.

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How selfish have I become. Who am I to take control of my own life? Wanting to end it because I couldn’t hack it. Wanting to end it because I had no other alternative. I had no purpose. I had not one ounce of hope left or even a reason to say the word.

Who am I to make this final conclusion, this determining judgment? Like taking my life would have somehow cosmically balanced the world as I knew it. Well I had so many reasons to do it. So many. I was in pain. I was hurt. Every breath was painful. My eyes felt heavy and it hurt to look, it hurt to see. I blamed many people for the way my life turned out.

Just trying to make sense of it all, what ever reason sounded right in my mind. What ever made sense. I needed a solid foundation to jump off of. An underlining agreement. A grasp on why, and the way I was going to do this. I know, it makes no sense, but that’s all I needed. It wouldn’t take much for me to go over the edge once I was there. All I needed was the courage to finalize the deal. But I had none. I didn’t even have enough courage to talk to anyone. I didn’t have enough courage to make ANY important decisions. I had no courage at all. I had no faith, no hope and no sense of self worth.

I lost control so I thought giving up was the next step. I was nearing the end of my addiction. I had been abusing opiates like it was my profession and I was working overtime trying to make the boss happy. I was the boss. I was self employed and I was stock sharing and profiting off my own redundant gains. I was a reckless, self indulging machine heading for disaster. I was a fast moving mechanical device which was out of grease; heating up and ready to explode.

This is what my life came to. I abused it and now I wanted to lose it. I had been clean for a couple weeks, many times, but the thought of being alive was still dreadful. I was depressed beyond the definition of depressed. I was oppressed and addiction was my oppressor. I didn’t get it though. I didn’t know why I was so suicidally depressed.

I had thoughts racing of different ways to terminate life as humane as possible. How people… family… friends would have judged me and how the rumors would have spread if they found me a certain way. I would drive and stare off into an abyss of ways to end my useless life. I went through so many different mini episodes of death like looking through a Rolodex. Trying to find the right one. The series finale of a stupid show which was down to its last rerun. I was done.

I would sometimes get a little boost of hope through a song on the radio or my ipod. I would relate my life to the lyrics. I would substitute my depression with music because I wasn’t at peace and music seemed to free me a little bit. My anger was filtered through songs. I would use the music and relate a scenario to it and try to sooth the effects of my past. It felt good too.

I was in search of something… anything. I had a huge void in my life that needed to be filled real quick. Wishing someone would fill it for me. Hoping someone would sweep me off my feet and carry me through this. But as time went on, I realized that wasn’t going to happen.

I realized that the drug abuse, this slow death, was artificially filling a void in my life. Some of us cut. Some of us drink. Some of us over eat. What ever it is that we do, we do it because we are trying to satisfy a hunger.

We were designed to follow and love our Maker. It’s in our DNA. We were constructed and fashioned to worship a Holy and Living God. We also have evolved into believing that there are other alternatives. But I tell you, God is real, He IS listening and He does love you and wants you in His arms! If you are struggling with the thoughts of suicide, I beg of you to constantly call upon Jesus Christ. This is between you and Him. I will leave it at that.

It is written: “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13.


You have a purpose! Become Free! Become the Difference!