Posts Tagged ‘forgiveness’

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My mom, the one I probably hurt the most during my destructive journey.

Mom’s love their kids wholeheartedly and almost with a Godly love, an unconditional love. No matter what happens you know your mom will be there and love you no matter what. It’s such a comfort knowing that too.

Today is Mother’s Day and it was nice to be able to drop off some flowers to my mom and spend a little time with her. Things were not always this grand though. I caused some damage during my addiction and to be where I am today is simply a blessing. But there was a time when I didn’t speak to my mom for almost two years. Nothing she had done, just simply guilt and shame for what I had done.

I was a junky at the time and being a low class junky I did stupid selfish things. I stole, I lied and I manipulated. I should have ended up in jail for what I did, let alone hell for what I did. Walking around with no faith and no hope brought complete shame to me for my actions. I didn’t have the guts to call my mom up for two years. Disgusting.

I contacted her the day before I went into rehab. Why? Because I knew I needed change and that this change would help with our relationship. I knew that things would be better, not perfect, but better and I knew that I had some work to do, even to this day, building up trust.

But I knew, even to this day, that during those two years of not contacting my mom, she still loved me the way she always does. That agape love. The love you can not break. Did I take advantage of that? Yup. I hurt her bad. I hurt her and lied right to her face even when she knew the answer and she still loved me.

This is how God loves us. Unconditionally. We mess up, we hurt others, we destroy bridges but God always loves us no matter what. When we ask God to forgive us, He cleanses us from ALL unrighteousness, He forgives us as far as the east is from the west, He removes our transgressions! He is faithful and just to do so.

This is why asking for forgiveness is so important and confessing our exact wrongs to the people we hurt is so healing and powerful.

Going up to the person we hurt and simply saying “I was wrong, I hope one day you can forgive me…” may be tough but it takes the load off our backs. It’s giving a little of the pain away and allowing room for forgiveness. I am still, to this day, asking people for forgiveness for my past. It’s something we must do to improve ourselves and to move forward. It shows that we are not always first, that we can be humbled, be grateful and remain teachable.

My mom didn’t deserve one thing, not one repercussion, not one lie during my addiction. She forgave me. Her love persevered through a tough time. Because of the love she has shown for me, because of the love God has shown and continues to show for me, because of His wonderful Grace and His Mercy, because I have been given so many second chances, and simply because I know for a fact that I do not deserve any of it… I try to give back and love as best as I can.

This life of Recovery, the amount of gratitude I have, the chance to give back, the unsurpassing love and Grace that I have experienced from friends and family I have hurt, people that didn’t know me and offered their time to help me, complete strangers who offered advice, counselors, program directors, other addicts…

Thanks mom for your love and your strength. I love you. Because of you, I know how to love and I know how to be strong.

Become Free, Become the Difference!

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Why do people use? Why do people hurt themselves? Why do we tend to do what’s bad for us?

We smoke. We use drugs. We drink ourselves to an oblivion. We murder, rape, start wars, fight, argue, steal, cheat, lie, commit suicide and you know there’s much more.
So I guess it’s safe to say that if someone kills someone they most likely have some issues correct? I know it’s an extreme, but it’s also true. If someone robs a bank, there is an underlying problem. If someone decks you in the head, whether it be that you deserved it or not or if that person just had issues, it happened for a reason.

My point is we didn’t just one day say to ourselves “I’m going to start using drugs and destroy my life” or ” When I grow up, I want to be a drug addict”. There is a reason why we chose our drug, be it alcohol, drugs, overeating, cutting, pornography, whatever it is. Either there was something missing and we tried filling it or we simply got led astray and came to love it. Either way, we got addicted. We had an absolute love and desire for it, yearning for it day and night.

Finding out what’s behind why we do what we do will allow us to grow. If a tire has a nail in it, you remove it right? If your computer has a virus, you remove it. If there is something keeping you from moving forward, don’t you want to know what it is that is holding you back? Getting to the bottom, the foundation of our problems, will allow us to understand, overcome and reveal our purpose.

Our hearts do not want to be exposed while we are in addiction, so getting to the underlying issue may take time and may be painful. What ever we are covering up, we are covering up for a reason and we most likely have a very strong wall over it. Letting people into our dark past can be difficult. We do not want our secrets brought into the light. Our pains, our struggles, our losses, our regrets. I mean, the last thing you want to do is tell someone something that you think will make them think differently of you. And obviously it’s something important and personal.

So how does one remove an underlying issue? How do we put the past behind us? How do we let go of our darkest secrets and move forward?
1- Repenting, asking God to forgive you of your past. Being an addict hurts everyone you love, including yourself. So asking God to forgive you of your destructive path will renew you. “Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord.” Acts 3:19

2- Tell someone. Now, this can be difficult but it is also very helpful. You may break down and cry. You may start shaking and cursing and God knows what else, but it’s worth every second of it. The bible tells us “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9. Oh, well that’s a bunch of BS. No, it’s not, I am living proof and so aren’t millions of others! Whether you confess to a person you can trust or to God Himself, you will be cleansed in one way or another! Crying is a sign of surrendering, giving up, a removal of a wall. There is absolutely nothing wrong with crying! This weakness will make you stronger!!!

3- Forgive. If something happened to you in the past as a child or you got cheated on, going through a divorce… Forgive. “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Matthew 6:14 Forgiving may take time but once you do, you are letting go!

I think these three things are extremely helpful in getting to the underlying issue of addiction. Once you release the problem you can then start working on the issues. Becoming free, becoming unchained, becoming unburdened from our old way of living will lead us in a whole new direction and open a life changing path to travel on! And knowing why it is you do what you do, is overcoming an obstacle you may never have to overcome again!