Archive for the ‘Withdrawals’ Category

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This is a little personal. I wrote this to myself the day before I admitted myself into a 6 month program at the Salvation Army rehabilitation center. I gave it to my brother and told him to give it to me when I got out.
I was suicidal. I was at my rock bottom. I had no hope and I had not an ounce of faith left. I am sharing it now because it is not only a reminder of where opiate abuse left me, but maybe someone will read this and will be able to relate. I’m not even sure why I wrote it, maybe after almost 10 years of running around like a rampant junkie, I finally wanted help. Maybe I knew I was finally ready? Because if it wasn’t then, if I didn’t get help, I knew I couldn’t go on any longer. Even breathing was painful. I was done.
By sharing this I’m hoping maybe someone can relate and find a bit of solitude or enough energy to get up and get help too… It may not make much sense but It sure did 4 years ago.

“You’re back, congrats for making 6 months of sobriety. DO NOT let it get to your head. You wrote this withdrawing, sick, diarrhea, confused, afraid, helpless, down, pissed off, ALONE. You did this all to yourself. All to yourself. You want this all back? Start sniffing those f****** percs up your nose. Go ahead, your life will go right back into a hole again, a lifeless, useless, lonely f****** hole.
You want to keep your life? Stick to Christ, family and surround yourself with encouraging people. Stay busy. Love what you have because what you have right now is so precious. Trust me, I wrote this. I AM YOU.
Just a reminder of how you felt the day before rehab… sick, food will not digest, cold sweats, hot flashes, diarrhea, INSOMNIA, headaches, heartburn, nausea, blurred vision, quivers, skeletal and joint pain.
Here are the pains, repercussions of life around you… You feel mentally inadequate, alone, afraid, people will not trust you. You hurt your beautiful mother, your brothers, your father (who will never understand you, but hey, love you for you, and love him for him.) You lied, stole and cheated. You have come so close to going to jail, so many times God intervened.
You became a bum. A junky, a loser. You are so fortunate to be alive, to be reading this, a free, rehabilitated man.
Remember that 6 month journey. Keep your head up! Put this behind you. Stay strong. Help those in need.

Find what you love to do AND DO IT!

Love,
Yourself

P.S. DON’T F*** UP MICHAEL.”

I’m not too sure what pushed me to write this back then. I’m glad I did though. I read it once in a while and I reflect on where I was and what life was like being an addict. It’s like a book mark. When I see it, it puts me right back where I used to be for a short time. It helps me be grateful for everything I have. It helps me stay humble. It helps me remain teachable. I don’t ever want to go back to that lifestyle ever again. I can’t. I know it will destroy me. It will kill me.
I thank my heavenly Father above for the strength to keep moving forward each and every day. I hope this helps someone in one way or another.

God Bless you

Become Free. Become the Difference!

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This question is asked when we are at the crossroads. Maybe a friend, family member or a counselor will ask this when life is simply unmanageable or when we realize our way just isn’t working.

How Bad Do You Want It? Do you even know? Are you sure you even want it? Unfortunately, I got way past the point of wanting it, I got to the point where I needed it. And I knew it. It was either death by self or some form of help.

Asking an addict how bad do they want to get better is like asking a non addict how bad do you want to stop breathing. Ironically it’s that serious. In an addicts mind, the drug use and substance abuse is just like breathing fresh air.

Now, if you are not struggling with drug/substance abuse, you can stop here. This is for people struggling with drug addiction. This is for the stubborn ones who think they are fine. The ones who think no one knows.

Remember when you were last clean? That may take a few seconds. How about this… remember the last time you looked in the mirror and were proud of yourself? How about the last time you kept a promise?

Ask yourself how bad do you REALLY want it. Take a second and look back at the damage you have done. To your mom, your dad, your grandparents, your kids; to yourself. How about those REAL friends you had, yeah, the ones who don’t want to be around you anymore because you’re messed up. It bothers you but you know deep down inside you did this to yourself. You made your own prison of solitude and confinement. I know, you can’t wait for that next high.

You are so deep into your addiction you forget what it’s like to have real friends. You forget what it’s like to actually get 8 hours of sleep and wake up relaxed and at peace. You forget what it’s like to keep a job and be honest, to save money, to pay bills on time, to keep promises you have made, to think like a normal person.

Don’t you want to know why the voice that tells you to use is the same voice that ridicules you after you do? Remember when scheming new ways to hustle and get high were non existent? When checking peoples medicine cabinets for prescriptions, stealing money out of purses and selling the stupidest things to get high became a new hobby? What about all the thoughts on ways to get money to get high? I bet you don’t have to think too deep on that one.

Is “I Am A Full Blown Addict” on your resum√©? Ever tell anyone the exact nature of what you do and how you do it? Ever discuss your methods with anyone on what your brain patterns are like and what you go through every minute of every day? How about the withdrawals? We both know what happens when you are dope sick. One word, autopilot.

How bad do you want it? How bad do you want your life back to where all of this is behind you? Think about it. You are either high or hurting right now. Either way, you have a choice every day to choose.

I am telling you that you do not have to live like this. As bad as you want to get high is how bad you need to want to get help and change. Get on your hands and knees and ask God for help. Get right with Him. Admit you are wrong, admit you are selfish and are in need of a Savior. Get to meetings. Find a detox and a rehab where you can gain knowledge on why you do what you do. Get back the basic principles on life and back to living the way you are supposed to, with purpose. There are resources all around you, you just need to start looking. Surround yourself with productive people. People who will not enable you and pull you down.

God loves you so much, He is always there, waiting with open arms. Do what ever it takes to stop this destructive lifestyle.

Here is a phone number to call for a detox or a rehab near you in the Unites States. Make a call. Be responsible and become free TODAY. 888-831-2327 or visit http://www.drug-rehab.org.

God is bigger than your addiction.

Become Free. Become the Difference!

How To Become Free

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If you are a full blown addict, you know there are days where all the lying, cheating and stealing has caught up to you.

Nobody trusts you, nobody wants to be around you and nobody cares. You have exhausted all your resources for scheming money and you’re broke as a joke. Withdrawals and depression are setting in and there are thoughts racing through your head; robbing stores, stealing money, your mind is coming up with crazy ideas to make itself feel good. There is nothing you can do so you sit on a couch or lay in bed all day.
You’re starving but you can’t eat, you have to piss so you lean over and piss into a Gatorade bottle. You’re stomach is making noises and shivers set in. The only time you get up is to release diarrhea out your rear end every half hour. Your legs start moving in a bicycle pattern; trying to get comfortable. Hot and cold sweats arrive, heart palpitations, cramps, insomnia, racing thoughts and nightmares from 10 minutes of so called sleep. Hygiene is out the door.

You are so fatigued, walking even seems to be too much. That Suboxone you had saved for today is gone. Why you thought one little corner of a Suboxone would make your life better is a mystery. You make a frantic phone call to your drug dealer to get anything to make you feel better and he’s not answering, you pissed him off too. You know you’re screwed. There’s nothing you can do. Now it’s time to think of ways to die.

Suicide sounds like a very good alternative at this point. But as quick as you think of it you realize you can’t do it.

People, here is a new definition of being Sick and Tired. What is explained above is a tiny bit of what a drug addict goes through. Why do we put ourselves through this? Ask me now, I can’t give you an answer… ask me then, I would have had plenty of answers!

Believe it or not, these times where we get sick are probably the best times where God is most likely shouting at us… “HEY, WAKE UP, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THIS!”

Although it’s depressing and we feel like we’re dying, it’s the lowest we can go, the only way from here is up. Yes, it may be the 700th time you have stopped cold turkey but you know deep down inside you can’t keep doing this. “Why do I do this to myself?” “Why can’t I stop?” “Oh my God, I have a serious problem don’t I.”

Listen, there are places, especially today, everywhere, that offer help. Rehab is a great place to get away, take a vacation and get better; think of it as a spiritual retreat. Because that’s exactly what you will be doing, figuring out why it is you do what you do, why you turned to drugs and why you destroyed your life.

Once you get some clean time under your belt, you start seeing more clearly. The obvious is revealed. Happiness slowly becomes a daily feeling. Bridges are mending. Family starts trusting. Money is getting saved. You start filling your gas tank instead of just putting a few bucks in just to get from one hustle to the other. You don’t wake up in the fetal position, sweating and freaking out anymore. Life is good.

It’s a daily walk. You do a devotion every day. You pray. You pray for yourself. You pray for others. You want to help others with what you have learned and the experiences you have gone through. You go to church. You fellowship with other people with this common bond of addiction. You have clean time and you are stronger than ever!

And you realize it’s not you. It’s God. It’s ALL HIM. That daily reprieve, that daily surrender, that daily prayer is what is keeping you from using again and keeping you from not wanting to live a life of being sick and tired all the time.

One thing I have noticed along my journey, even today, is everyone who is living a clean life and continues living a clean life from their drug abused past, in one way or another, has God first in their life.
Be grateful. Be humble and remain teachable!