Archive for the ‘Soul’ Category

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I moved out on my own I was finally free.

I signed a lease and boom, my own pad, my own apartment. I was so excited to finally take on the responsibilities of being an independent man. First thing’s first, a new T.V. I went to Best Buy, opened a credit line and got the biggest and baddest T.V. they had, well at that time, the Sony Wega. Lets get a virtual cinema surround sound system while I’m at it. I was a carpenter so I made a sweet set of custom maple speaker stands for the front left and right speakers. And let me tell you, that T.V. and surround sound system made movies alive!

I went out and got myself a little kitten. I couldn’t have a dog there so I figured a cat would be comforting enough. I opened up multiple credit cards, bought myself a really nice laptop, got some furniture, got a new truck, a new motorcycle and a new girlfriend. Things were great, really great. I owned my own business at the time and was making a lot of money, had a great reputation and made a lot of new connections. I held parties all the time and had friends over a lot too.

A few years went by, things were going good. I was successful and busy. I had a lot of new ‘friends’. I was really making a name for myself in the new town I was in. Until one day it hit me, like a ton of bricks… Oxycontin. Yes, the old school ones where you peel off the coating and go at it.

Someone had come over and introduced me to my new girlfriend, my new chemical romance. Now, I was drinking here and there, popping Valium and sniffing Ritalin, maybe some ecstasy once in a while, your typical weekend party moments. But nothing was more incredible and more euphoric than this form of oxycodone. I bumped a 10 mg line on my glass kitchen table and fell in love immediately. The sun came out in my living room. My smile went ear to ear. I leaned back and said to myself, “Why do I even go to the gym? This is great!”

I couldn’t believe the rush of happiness and strength I got off that one little 10 mg pill! It lasted quite a few hours too. I was just in simple amazement by what I experienced. Well, obviously that connection hung around for a bit. I put everything else aside that I tried and focused on my new obsession. I started using Oxycontin just on the weekends for a few months, I honestly thought it was so good that I didn’t want to waste it.

I noticed myself thinking about it during work. I also noticed how it freed me from stress and problems that were running through my mind. It took me away while still being here on earth, it helped me function better and perform better, so I thought. Things were still going great.

I started using during the week and I went up from 10 mg to 20 mg per bump. Cocaine came into the picture during the weekends too. I really didn’t like the cocaine and noticed that I needed to take a couple of oxy’s to counter the speeding rate of the coke. So I would do them after my bag ran out so I could sleep, after 12 hours of blowing cocaine up my nose, it was needed.

I would wake up pretty messed up, fighting with my girlfriend, getting in arguments with my friends. I was showing up to my jobs later and later. My landlord was getting complaints from my neighbors about me being too loud and saying weird things. I was like, whatever. It’s normal, I’m a free man living the dream! Everything’s gonnna be alright.

Well, I went from 10-20 mg a day to 40 mg. Then 40 mg to 80 mg. In just over a few months too. I had multiple connections. All my ‘friends’ were doing it too. Actually, just about everyone I knew was doing them. They were so easy to get and available 24-7.

Time goes by and my little mental vacation habit turned me into a full blown addict doing well over 1000 mg a day. I tried stopping in the early stages but nothing ever worked. I accepted myself as an addict too, I accepted myself as a junkie and justified my problem daily. I was railing two 80 mg Oxycontin for breakfast and an 80 every hour just to function. I was smoking cigarettes every 2 minutes too, close to 3 packs a day.

Now what I’m about to explain happened within the 3rd year of me abusing oxycodone. My entire run of being an addict lapsed 10 years, but the downward spiral started right around my 3rd year.

I started to not show up to work. I would take deposits on jobs and never show up on some of them. My girlfriend was fed up with me showing up late, lying and cheating, malnourished and unhygienic. Not being a good boyfriend at all so she left me. I would be late to any family gathering because I had to ‘pick up’ before I got there.  Credit card statements and bills we not getting paid.  I was getting threats of being kicked out of my apartment, I had 3 of my surrounding neighbors move within 6 months of each other due to my recklessness. Things were changing and I saw it, and not for the good either.
A few more years go by and I am stealing money from family members, stealing from stores, hustling anything I can to make a few bucks to go get high. I wasn’t making the money I had because my reputation was getting destroyed so my daily intake of oxy’s were dropping day by day and I was getting dope sick.

During this time of being dope sick, not showing up at work and hustling and thieving my way to get high, my truck got repossessed and I had to leave my home. I sold everything, my T.V., the surround sound, my lap top, my guitars, my couch, my motorcycles, my credit cards were maxed out by cash advances, I almost sold my cat… I became that guy that needed to ‘borrow’ money and things all the time. I bounced from home to home, even moved to the south for a year to get away and quickly realized that my problem followed me everywhere. I became homeless because my pride didn’t want to fix anything. I didn’t understand how to mend a bridge and didn’t care.

At this time I’m having full blown panic attacks, insomnia, skeletal pain, bicycle legs, hot sweats, cold chills, nightmares for the 2 minutes I may have got from a nap, diarrhea, heart palpitations to name a few. The flu had nothing on what I was going through. This spiritual and physical pain I was going through was something I wouldn’t want on my worst enemy.

Finally during my 10th year reign of self destruction, after losing everything that mattered to me and all my personal possessions, I became suicidal and did not want to live anymore. I was beyond depression and beyond mental illness. I was incredibly dope sick and needed out. Getting clean on my own was impossible and I knew it. I had no structure and not an ounce of effort to find any. My only hope was in a pill which I could no longer get.

I lost all my hope and all my faith.

I hit rock bottom.

I admitted myself into a 6 month rehab program at the Salvation Army Adult Rehabilitation Center.

I will have 5 years clean this November 11th 2016. Today I am grateful for everyone at rehab, church, friends and family who offered admonishment, support, encouragement and their time to help me.

I have learned so many things in Recovery and still do to this day. I learned that we are all human and that we all may fall. I also learned that I can not judge another person when they fall. I’ve learned to give back and to help others. I’ve learned that we are all in need of a Savior which we so constantly search for on a daily basis. I have learned that God puts us through things for reasons and that we all have a purpose. I have come to know Jesus Christ as my Savior and understand that my purpose here is much greater than what my mind could and will ever conceive. I have learned that this life is not about me, it’s about others. It’s about sending a message that our Creator, in whom we are to glorify, loves us unconditionally and all He wants is for us to surrender our ways and to live according to His Word.


God is very real, miracles happen every day. I lost it all and got so much more back from nothing.

To be at total peace and to live in His harmonious Grace is the most overwhelming gift one can ever use.


Become Free. Become the Difference.

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I was having breakfast this morning at a local diner. I sat down on my stool and ordered my food and a few moments later a couple of EMS employees sat down next to me.

No big deal. I kept eating my breakfast. But as I looked outside at their ambulance I started thinking… “I wonder how often they come across overdose victims and if they think it’s (the drug epidemic) getting better or worse?”
So I asked them that very question. They both looked at me with eyes wide open. “It’s getting worse.” the girl said, “As a matter of fact, we now have to triple our doses of Narcan from 2 mg to 6 mg to bring people back.”

She went on saying that the majority of calls were to help people who have overdosed on Heroin. I asked them what happens after they bring them back to life. They said that they leave the hospital like nothing happened. If there is no crime involved, then they are free to go. But what about the harm they caused themselves? What about giving them treatment? They said it’s their choice to get treatment or not. I’m like, they are not able to choose!!! They’re addicts!!!

So it’s ok for them to overdose and die, for an ambulance to show up where they are, bring them to the hospital while reviving them with Narcan during the ride, treat them temporarily to ensure that they won’t die in their care, then off they go? And no post treatment? Is it just me or does it sound like something’s missing?

Overdosing isn’t a crime. Being high isn’t a crime. OK. But almost killing yourself should be or at least should be a sign of self endangerment. Which in turn there should be a forcible treatable solution. How can we expect a change in our country if all we are doing is temporarily fixing the problem? We are bringing people back but with no long term solution. It’s not like it was a mistake that an addict slipped a needle in their veins. They didn’t trip and land on a syringe. Nobody was running with a full needle of heroin and bumped into an addict.

An addict is an addict because he or she is addicted. I was an addict because I was addicted. Bad too. I wish I was forced into treatment a lot earlier than it took me to find out what the bottom of a rock looks like. Before I lost absolutely everything, including almost losing my life and my soul. I lost faith, I lost hope and I lost complete sight on life.

Drug addiction is extremely dangerous. It’s life threatening. Drug addiction is devastating to the addict and to every single loved one of that addict. Am I wrong?! Then why aren’t we (our government) reinstating drug overdose victims to a program which will forcibly help and vigorously open the eyes of drug addicts? Health care took care of the Narcan and the hospital treatment, why can’t health care pay for the detrimental post treatment which is needed to keep an addict alive? They helped bring them back but they won’t keep them back.

In order for the next generation to be strong and fundamentally stable, especially with the knowledge of what substance abuse can do to a loved one, we need to induce treatment. We need to stop this self exterminating generation and take action.

Obviously our government is a little lacking in the substance abuse epidemic area. There are changes being made at local police stations for 30 day treatment rather jail time, police officers and EMS drivers are now carrying Narcan to help bring people back, politicians are finally talking about the incredible damage that drug addiction is doing to our loved ones. But we need more than that.

We need us, you and me, to step up and offer help to a loved one struggling with substance abuse. Give your time, learn, explore, do your research if you are unaware of the consequences. I’m sure you have a loved one struggling, an addict dying, a family member or a friend decaying and wasting away. Step up to the plate and plant a seed in their life.

Tell them that God did not create them for this purpose. Tell them that God has far better plans for them if they seek Him and turn from their ways. Get them into a good spirit filled church. Bring them to a meeting. Offer them a real one on one nonjudgmental talk.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

If you or a loved one is struggling with substance abuse and are seeking immediate treatment, please call 888 831 2327 for a treatment center near you anywhere in the United States. They will help locate a center for you.

Become Free. Become the Difference!

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Some of you may have read this before and agreed with it or disagreed with it.
The highlighted area is what bothers me.

If we believe we have a disease, that there is no cure, that we can’t beat it and that we will always struggle with it, then we will never get better.
God gave us the ability to conquer anything. How do we do that? We surrender to Him daily. We remain humble and admit we have a serious problem that is not only an addiction but something deeper that we need to fix.
I refuse to accept that addiction is a disease. We are able to overcome, we are able to succeed and we are able to let go.
This is why I named this site Become Free. I was an addict for over 10 years. I struggled with heroin, opiates, cocaine, benzo’s, anti depressants and God only knows what else.
My daily intake was over 1000 mg’s of OxyContin a day. I got to the point of suicide and absolute complete depression.

Then one day I gave my life to Jesus Christ and I haven’t been the same since. It took time and perseverance. It took rehab and wonderful people in rehab to help me. Over time I became free from my bondage and my slavery to drugs. I had a renewal of my mind, I gained my self control back and I am a new creation.
In order to believe I have a purpose I must believe I was created. As a book glorifies an author, as a painting glorifies an artist, so are we to glorify God.
And you know what is awesome, I’m not alone. There are so many that are living the same way. Freed from addiction.
You have to want it as bad as you wanted your poison.

I didn’t learn to deal with my addiction, I learned that I was in need of a Savior. I learned that I was created by an Almighty God that loves me no matter what I do. I learned that giving up MY ways and living according to His Word, I am set free!!!!!

Listen, God is either real or He’s a fantasy. You either have a purpose or you do not.

You have a choice to believe it or not and that choice is going to determine your lifestyle.

Become Free, Become the Difference.

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Yes, we all eat. Ultimately, if we do not eat… we die. This is how we were designed. We were designed to eat and drink in order to survive.

I believe, as you probably do, that there are three parts to us. Mind, body and soul.

Mind Food: Our minds are extremely expandable and are capable of holding large amounts of information. In case you forgot, we all were required to have a kindergarten through twelfth grade education, minimum. Some of us continue on to college, earn a bachelors’ degree and even continue on to earn a masters and a doctorate degree. Some people continue daily trying to learn new things to further their horizons and to fill themselves with knowledge. We feed our mind in order to learn and grow.

Body Food: Our bodies are formable as well. Some bigger than others :). We all have had to partake in physical education through our growing school years. We exercised and we were fed somewhat healthy foods. Some of us go on to be professional athletes and some of us Olympic athletes. Many of us simply enjoy exercising because of how it makes us feel and seeing the results of it gives us motivation. Our bodies require sleep too. We were designed to rest and to recover. We eat, drink and sleep in order to stay alive and to grow.

Ok so… we can agree that our bodies and our minds are capable of receiving ‘food’ in order to grow and survive. It’s just the way God created us. Actually, everything on this planet that obtains life needs some form of food. It’s the order of life in which we live. There’s nothing we can do about it. And I’m pretty sure we all can agree that we need all three, mind, body and soul, to function. Without one, the others are rendered useless.

Soul Food: Our souls are also susceptible and capable of being ‘fed’. It is our soul that makes the drastic decisions. It’s that little voice that tells us when we should or shouldn’t be doing something. It’s our moral standards. It regulates everything we do. It’s the part of us that needs a Higher Power. The part of us that glorifies God and becomes at peace when we receive Him. Our soul is what is left over when our mind and our bodies cease to exist. It’s the unique part of us that is like no other. Our ego. Our personality. A part of us that has no DNA and can not be traced. It’s what makes us special and keeps us going.

The food our soul needs is praising our Creator. Digging into the Word of God. Surrounding ourselves with constructive, productive and strong people who know God and who try, every day, to live life according to His Word. Our souls become at peace when we walk with God. No? Why, because you can’t see it? I guarantee what you cannot see will fill you. We cannot see the wind, yet we feel it and know it’s there. I am convinced God exists as I am convinced I am using a keyboard to type this. I have changed. My friends have changed. People all over the world have changed and continue to give thanks to God through His son, Jesus Christ.

Funny, we feed our addictions without question. We hurt. We blame. We cause arguments and fights over a chemical or substance we love. We will do ANYTHING for that feeling, that HIGH, that temporary fulfillment which has not a speck of worth or backbone to back itself up. We just do because we want to do; to satisfy our mind, our body and our soul for no reason at all.

Do you really want to become free? Are you serious enough to want to change your life? If you are an addict, you know our ways get us in to jails, institutions and death. Maybe you’re not there yet. Maybe you need to go through a little more pain and agony, maybe you need to hurt more family members and friends in order to get you to think straight. I don’t know. All I know is there is an Answer right in front of you, it’s up to you to persevere and choose.

Become Free. Become the Difference!