Archive for the ‘Testimonies of Recovering Addicts’ Category

A powerful testimony, we CAN get back on track!

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I am not a product of my environment. I grew up in a traditional American family, attended private schools, and went to church every Sunday.
During my childhood, we moved quite a bit. I changed schools nine times by the time I finished high school. In spite of this, I was an honor roll student, cheerleader, and leader of my church youth group, but I learned to build walls at a young age in hopes of protecting myself from fear of rejection. Later on, drugs would strengthen those walls and turn them into a fortress. I didn’t know I would become a prisoner inside my own mind.
I left home at 18. I had never tried drugs, alcohol, or even smoked a cigarette. One year later, I was experimenting with anything offered to me. I tried weed, pills, ecstacy, lsd, and cocaine, and eventually methamphetamine. I used Meth every day…

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This is a little personal. I wrote this to myself the day before I admitted myself into a 6 month program at the Salvation Army rehabilitation center. I gave it to my brother and told him to give it to me when I got out.
I was suicidal. I was at my rock bottom. I had no hope and I had not an ounce of faith left. I am sharing it now because it is not only a reminder of where opiate abuse left me, but maybe someone will read this and will be able to relate. I’m not even sure why I wrote it, maybe after almost 10 years of running around like a rampant junkie, I finally wanted help. Maybe I knew I was finally ready? Because if it wasn’t then, if I didn’t get help, I knew I couldn’t go on any longer. Even breathing was painful. I was done.
By sharing this I’m hoping maybe someone can relate and find a bit of solitude or enough energy to get up and get help too… It may not make much sense but It sure did 4 years ago.

“You’re back, congrats for making 6 months of sobriety. DO NOT let it get to your head. You wrote this withdrawing, sick, diarrhea, confused, afraid, helpless, down, pissed off, ALONE. You did this all to yourself. All to yourself. You want this all back? Start sniffing those f****** percs up your nose. Go ahead, your life will go right back into a hole again, a lifeless, useless, lonely f****** hole.
You want to keep your life? Stick to Christ, family and surround yourself with encouraging people. Stay busy. Love what you have because what you have right now is so precious. Trust me, I wrote this. I AM YOU.
Just a reminder of how you felt the day before rehab… sick, food will not digest, cold sweats, hot flashes, diarrhea, INSOMNIA, headaches, heartburn, nausea, blurred vision, quivers, skeletal and joint pain.
Here are the pains, repercussions of life around you… You feel mentally inadequate, alone, afraid, people will not trust you. You hurt your beautiful mother, your brothers, your father (who will never understand you, but hey, love you for you, and love him for him.) You lied, stole and cheated. You have come so close to going to jail, so many times God intervened.
You became a bum. A junky, a loser. You are so fortunate to be alive, to be reading this, a free, rehabilitated man.
Remember that 6 month journey. Keep your head up! Put this behind you. Stay strong. Help those in need.

Find what you love to do AND DO IT!

Love,
Yourself

P.S. DON’T F*** UP MICHAEL.”

I’m not too sure what pushed me to write this back then. I’m glad I did though. I read it once in a while and I reflect on where I was and what life was like being an addict. It’s like a book mark. When I see it, it puts me right back where I used to be for a short time. It helps me be grateful for everything I have. It helps me stay humble. It helps me remain teachable. I don’t ever want to go back to that lifestyle ever again. I can’t. I know it will destroy me. It will kill me.
I thank my heavenly Father above for the strength to keep moving forward each and every day. I hope this helps someone in one way or another.

God Bless you

Become Free. Become the Difference!

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My journey starts way before drugs came into the picture. I was raised in a small suburb of Boston by the name of Chelsea, which was once a rich Jewish communtiy that was over ran by drugs, poverty, and crime. I started my journey with goal, aspirations and dreams but soon realized I didnt feel like I fit in and began to change myself into this persona that was widely accepted by the youth of my community. My Christian upbringing now took a back seat to my “Newly created” person.

At first it felt real good because I began to become accepted by people and didnt have any serious consequences. But as my false character grew this persona engulfed me and I became this “Person” and lost myself, God, and family for a very long time. After a very few years of living this life, drugs now came into the picture. At 15 years of age I was now dealing drugs, sniffing cocaine, taking klonopins, smoking weed and drinking. I walked around like I was a drug king pin and honestly at that time my dream turned to becoming this. Fair to say that never happened, I let the drugs control me to point where I landed in a pysch unit in Belmont, MA for cutting my own face with a blade from a broken razor. I spent roughly around a month and somewhat found a little piece of myself but didnt accept that I was an ADDICT.

After returning back to chelsea I put down the heavy drugs but still lived dirty. I sold and smoked weed, and stayed this way for a few years thinking I found a solution. It wasnt until I had a real shot to the heart, that shocked me out of control once again. My brother in law/Best friend died while drinking and driving. God spared me that night because on any given day we were together. We lived together, worked together, rolled together, that was my ace. That night something stopped me from going. After a long grueling process of pulling the plug and saying goodbyes, I buried my brother and a piece of me with him. I would cry alone and away from people so I wouldn’t show any weakness in my character.

Oxycontin now came into the picture and to bury my pain I used and sold excessively. My whole life became OC’s, I needed them for every aspect of my life. They allowed me to NOT FEEL!! ESCAPE!!

The oxycontin boom to me I thought was a gift from God because I felt good, a doctor made it, and I could nod my pain away. I never considered myself an addict, just a person enjoying life. I felt like I desereved this escape. Soon after though, OC’s led to crime and this led to heroin. I never thought I would be a heroin addict, but somehow I rationlized it to that, I wasn’t that bad I only snort. This person I created was so deep into me I couldnt face myself in the mirror.

Heroin ran my life, I stole from everyone and anyone. I didnt care about anyone or anything. I wanted what you had and I would do whatever I had to do to get it.

Through my toils of being a heroin addict, I had a beautiful baby girl named Gianna. I thought that because of her I would change my life, but I merely lied to the mother of my daughter and continued my heroin use in secret. Soon enough my drug use and decietful ways led to the break up of my daughters mother and I and my heroin use spiraled so far, I began using needles. I found myself exiled from my family, homeless, sleeping down Chelsea High Stadium and content because I had dope in my veins.

Around the time of my daughters birth my father had passed away. He also suffered from the disease of addiction. I was so far into my own addiction that it seems like I was absent during the whole grieving period. I wasnt there for my younger brother, my sister, or my mom. My life was consumed by money and drugs; I had no room for anything else. A year after my fathers passing, I attempted on getting clean by the methodone clinic. It got me off of heroin for a little but opened up an area for other drugs.

During my stint on the methodone clinic, I had the most tragic experience of my life. A week before my younger brothers 18th birthday, my brother and I woke up early one morning to find our mother lifeless on the couch. She had passed away around 5 am that morning due to heart failure. I stared into my brothers eyes as he begged me to do something and was crying frantically so I proceeded to due cpr although I could tell she had already passed on. This feeling inside me was a monster, it was overwhelming and I didnt know how to deal with it.

I put a front on to attempt to be the rock in my family but without God my foundation was on sand and just crumbled. I built a resentment towards God and proceeded to using Heroin extensively to the point of overdosing 3 times and homeless numerous times.

These behaviors finally landed me in my very first attempt of getting clean. I had no where to go, no money and was so dope sick that suicide seemed like my only option. I went to the old tewksbury detox, a post detox in Weymouth which finally landed me at The Salvation Army, Saugus, MA. My life began to turn around and I began to accept Jesus. I say it like this because at this point I didnt want to fully accept Christ, I still wanted to do things my way. After four months of wishy washy recovery I was discharged due to the use of Nuerotin/Johnnies because I listened to my addiction and because they were NON-NARCOTIC it was ok. This behavior led me to living in a rooming house known as the Hotel Stanely in Chelsea, working just for my heroin addiction and rent. This cycle continued for 2 years until it cost me my job and eventually my living situation.

They say God works in mysterious ways and that is so true. During my run, I was down Chelsea Square and I seen the Major from The Salvation Army Saugus and he spoke to me and said he was willing to accept me back into the program. Just the fact that he remembered me out of all the addicts that pass through there was a sign to me. It gave me hope. My run continued for a few more weeks but that moment with the Major never left my mind. One night I just prayed my heart out asking God for help, and that I was so tired of just existing in this numb life I had created. The next day things began to turn around. I got a bed in detox and was readmitted to the Salvation Army program in Saugus.

This time around I surrounded myself with positive people, asked for help and opened my entire heart to Jesus Christ. I began to peel my layers off and tell my story at meetings, I’d pray every day and night asking God for guidance and thank him when I made it through. I had counseling for addiction but I also had a spiritual counselor, who to this day I’m very good friends with and I believe she really is an Angel. For once in my life I was knocking my barriers with God and dealing with emotions I buried for so long.

I am now 18 months clean, I have a sponsor, I surround myself with positive sober people, I go to meetings and continue to ask for help because some days are harder than others. The biggest thing for me is helping another addict and never forgetting where I was. Today I can say I make my mother proud!!! And I can help others by being an example. If I can do it, anyone can, you just have to put the work in…

Paul S MacDonald

“Who says a kid from the ghetto can’t change his stripes”

RIP Mom, Dad, my brother Quentin, Christina S., Russell B., My cousin Todd C., and all those that have lost their life to this disease.