I Will Never Forgive You.

Posted: January 31, 2015 in Forgiveness, Grateful, Miserable, Panic Attacks, Perseverance, Sanity, Strength

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I think the number one thing that holds us back from progressing, growing and moving forward is the inability to forgive and let things go. Are you ridden with anxiety, problems and wonder why there aren’t more blessings?

We hold on to so much. We have been hurt. We have been sexually assaulted. We have been verbally abused. Beat. Thrown around. Left for dead. We have been destroyed in so many ways. Neglected. Ridiculed. Bullied. You can add one if I may have missed a specific event. You get the point.

Now before I move on, I am not and I never will ask anyone to ever or even try to ‘Forget’. Because that’s impossible. It may come with time but everything that impacts our lives and that has wounded us leaves a scar. Some deeper and bigger than others. Scars that can be seen not just through our own eyes but even through other people’s eyes. Scars that have affected our personalities, which have affected our quirks, our manners and how we react in different situations.

There are reasons why we react and overly engage when strife comes our way. There are reasons why we gossip and verbally destroy others when we are around a certain person. It’s the outcome of what has happened. The outcome of what we think may happen. We have a predestined and a preconceived notion of just about everything that is going to take place with people all around us.

So even with these scars, are we able to let go? Are we able to let go of even the meanest and dirtiest things that have ever happened to us? Yes. Are we expected to let go immediately? No. But we are expected to forgive. We also need to understand that we are not the only ones going through this. That there are others, many others, that have been through worse circumstances than us and that have also been freed from them as well.
We do have it in us to forgive. To let go. Sometimes we need time to figure out what happened, why it happened and how it could ever happen. It’s mind boggling to think about. But we need to forgive.

Feelings of resentment and anger towards someone may never go away. And when we come across that certain someone it may trigger extreme immediate anxiety. It can be painful. I have been through it. Hyperventilating and blackouts. A feeling that I can’t breathe. Loss of direction. Loss of a reason of even why I was standing where I was. Vertigo.

It took time. It took perseverance. It took talking to God and reading the Word of God to understand why I went through what I went through and why I needed to forgive. Could I say that all the drug induced instances and problems I caused were because of a childhood trauma? I could. I could also say that people never forgave me and why the hell would I ever forgive them? And even worse, I am done caring. I am sick and tired of everyone, just stay as far away from me as possible. People suck.

I can come up with one thousand reasons why I did what I did. I can give you thousands of legitimate reasons and excuses on why I am the way I am. I could write a blog that would sound so good and so comforting that many psychiatrists and therapists alike would just swarm in their chairs with excitement. It would be ‘socially’ and ‘politically’ correct to the society we live in.

But I will not give not one excuse or one reason for causing pain towards others and for the destructive mess I left behind during my addiction. I take full responsibility. Period.

Why?

Because I let go of what was holding me back. I let go of the torturing pain that set me off like a rocket. I let go of the destruction of my childhood, the pain, the loss, and the indescribable events that happened behind closed doors. I let it all go. I will never forget. But I have forgiven. There are scars. I am human. I am not perfect. I still have flaws. I am and always will be a work in progress and I am not afraid of talking about anything that has made me who I am today.

As gross as things can get, they happen for a reason. That reason will be revealed to you one day. My problems and trials made me a stronger person. I didn’t always persevere, but when I did, when I made it through the storm, purpose was revealed. The sun shined and strength, like no other, blanketed me. God said, “See, I told you! Follow Me.” As I called upon Him, even when I thought He wasn’t listening, He was there guiding me the whole time. How I even knew to call upon Him during struggling times is beyond me. But today it is an automatic. He has guided me and brought me out of darkness so many times. His presence is so evident.

So the big question, how do we let go? How do we let go of the anxiety fueled train that is steaming through blockades of medication, gossip, character assassination, anger, hatred, bitterness, scorn, self-pity and ignorance? How do we get to a place of peace, hope, love, temperance, faith, joy, long suffering, gentleness, goodness and meekness? How is this even possible? How do people get over their past? How come some people move beyond the destruction in peace and walk a life of happiness after all that has happened to them?

Read this verse, the immediate verse after the Our Father Prayer… “For IF you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But IF you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Matthew 6:14, 15.
Now believe what you may. Truth is not determined upon one’s belief. It merely sets a stage for a choice to believe or not to believe.

There is so much in this one verse. This verse is very self-explanatory and needs no introduction or synopsis. It only needs an origin for the strength to do so. The strength to ask God to forgive and the power to forgive. We pray. We seek. We ask. We take action. Continually. We persevere.

“The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your STRENGTH. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring.” Isaiah 58:11

Become Free. Become the Difference!

Comments
  1. One can forgive with the head but it is much more difficult to forgive with the heart. There are some people especially family members that I will never have a relationship with. Sounds awful but I had to set boundaries then walk away. Sometimes the hurt and pain goes so deep that nothing can or will fix it. Actually I don’t feel guilty. I feel relieved. Some people need to be evicted from your head so you can move forward in life. I left them behind and don’t look back.

    • M says:

      I can relate to having to make a choice with the people that I was biologically born related to–growing up I loved my sister deeply & believed I could give my life for hers no question. Her & I endured a childhood of physical, mental, etc… abuse & as direct results of her protective actions for my behalf, I was spared even worse & brutal abuse that I don’t think I would of lived through . I admired her in many ways, she was my older sister and she was smarter, faster, bolder, & made me feel better in some of the most ugly times in my life. I haven’t spoken to her in 20years-. It shook me to my core & broke my heart in half when I vowed to battle to her to the death if necessary if she beat her then 2 year old son again. It’s unspeakable the tortured beating her children have received from her hands – this from my beloved sister who along with me would inspect our welts, bruises, scabs, & freshly received marks while in the tub together, vowing to one day run away when it was safe & we wouldn’t risk being returned. I couldn’t watch her practicing the same evil abuse onto her own children & knew I would end her if I could in order to stop another child from being beat down & bloody. I hate her & probably will not see her for the rest of my life -I can’t. I don’t want to. Fuk her.

      • I can relate to the feeling. Sometimes one has to let go of toxic family members so we are not cut down. Also if that person is doing something illegal or just plain wrong we must report them. Especially if the abuse involves children, the elderly or disabled people.

      • MexicellentMe says:

        She has been reported several times. She lost her step son but not her two . They move from state to state so it very difficult to keep an open case. I did mention she keen mind. To abused children, we know that the authorities only make things harder. Thanx for the comment. Really I guess I just wrote it down so I can let it go.

  2. I love the story of forgiveness told by Corrie Ten Boom. She couldn’t forgive her captors, but she asked God to do it for her. It is only by His grace that we can do it, not on our own strength. Meghan

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