Hiding the Obvious

Posted: November 3, 2013 in Side Effects
Tags: , , , , ,


What is significant about this picture? What stands out the most? What looks obvious? It’s a beautiful picture. The trees, the sky, the calm water. It may be a little obscure, color wise.

Yes, it’s blue. Everything in that picture is blue. Everything. You can’t hide it. It’s obvious to the naked eye. There are many different shades but all are of one color, blue.

When we are high or drunk, we think no one can tell. We think we have everyone tricked. We think it’s our little secret, especially when we are in front of family or others who are living ‘different’. Addiction gets us caught up in a fake reality. A reality which deceives us into thinking we are living OK. We take a glance in the mirror and give ourselves an “I look fine”. But in the reality we are actually living in, we are not.

I remember, after sniffing a couple Oxycontin 80’s, how good I felt. How powerful the euphoric wave was. How, when it was raining, the sun came out. All my problems went away. I could see clearly. I felt invincible. Like I could take on any task set before me and accomplish it in record time. In my mind I sounded philosophically correct. I remember my mind racing with ideas and thoughts that could out wit Albert Einstein. I literally could sit on my couch, stare at the wall for an hour and be absolutely content. It was actually fun.

I also remember how itchy I got. How I used to scratch myself everywhere. Constantly. Like I was getting jumped by a lynch mob of mosquitos. My nose. My back. My ankles. And how about my eyes? I used to take Visine drops to try and hide the redness. Little did I know Visine doesn’t hide the pins I had for pupils. Or the thousand yard stare. Or the paleness of my skin.

Jawwing and neck twitching from cocaine. Feeling like I could run a marathon but my body wouldn’t keep up. Going into the bathroom to wipe down a toilet tank cover to dump out another rail. That was an every 15-20 minute interval. Talk about geeking out. After finishing an 8 ball, all alone in my apartment, everyone gone… I didn’t know what to do with myself. Those 80’s I saved to come off the cocaine with were gone. My heart’s beating a million times a minute. Raging anxiety overcoming my mind. How about the weight I was carrying around? Or should I say the lack there of. My shirts were hanging off me. My pants were drooping. I had to drill another hole into my belt to keep my pants up.

I’m not even going to talk about benzo’s. You take them and you’re out. Nodding off. A slow slide to a deep nap. I’m sure a few of you can attest to what happens when you pop a totem pole while you’re driving. Not good.

Every drug has its ‘current’ side effects. Our behaviors change. Our patterns change. Our quirks change. We think we can hide what they are doing to our mind. What they are doing to our body and our soul. But we can’t. Especially in front of someone who has been through it already. I’m practically a professional at this. I can point out a user from a mile away. It’s crazy. And I see myself in others. What I thought I was hiding. How obvious it really is.

What was I thinking? How did I let myself get to such a place? Broke. Begging. Complaining. Stealing. Scheming. My mind wasn’t in the right place. I was on a trip to never ever land. A trip straight down into a deep, dark pit of despair.

If you asked anyone, that wasn’t using, how I was doing, they would have told you “not good”. They knew. A couple times people pulled me aside to talk with me about it but I played it off like nothing was wrong. “I’m FINE!!!”. “Go bother someone else!”. I fought and I fought the help that was offered to me. For years. “What is wrong with these people?” I used to say to myself. I really thought there was nothing wrong with me. That being addicted was just the way I was going to be the rest of my life. That’s how deep I was into my addiction. It controlled me 100%. I NEVER thought I would overcome this. NEVER.

Then something happened. One day… depressed, confused, malnourished, unhygienic, homeless, hopeless and with no faith at all I made a decision. “I can’t do this anymore.” I got help. I admitted myself into a rehab.

We all have to come to our own conclusion. Thankfully some of us are able to get to a conclusion. Alive. Addiction is a struggle I would not want on my worst enemy. It’s a battle we are not designed for. Many times, we lose. Many times we lose great people.

If you or a loved one is struggling with substance abuse, there is Hope! You can get your life back. You have it in you to overcome your addiction! It can be done. You are loved. You have a purpose. And you have a God who loves you more than you will ever know. Seek Him daily! He created us to be more than conquerors!

“…in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:37-39

Believe. Become Free. Become the Difference!

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